After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it.
So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told h is HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! HR = HIGH RISK

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: - "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: - "Definitely not!"
WIFE: - "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: - "Of course I do."
WIFE: - "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: - "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: - "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: - (makes audible groan)
WIFE: - "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: - "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: - "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: - "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: - "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: - "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: - "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: - "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: - "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: - "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: - "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: - "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- Silence.
HUSBAND: -- Oh!! "shit."

What retired people do...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

The best Geek Quotes...

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly.

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

ACs are like computers- Both work fine until you open Windows!


Full list is here.

Santa Story

Santa wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester : If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try another way.
If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Santa : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Santa : I've already got one rabbit at home.

Tester : #@$%@^#&$&*#$*#($((((!!!!!!!!!!

Friends...!

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirm that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends :
5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night,
and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them !

Conclusion:
Men are better friends

Creativity at its Maximum...